he asked me once what future held
beneath the mist, beyond the end
what lies behind the sea of treason
why does it change twice every season
who in this world can hit pause and rewind
how far to dig, how deep’s my mind?
while all theese questions keep me enchanted
i answer colder than i wanted
that he who shall, he will and can
maybe not now.. but in a day, or 2 or 10
present tense is overrated
future is what i’ve created
seek perfection? stop the quest
for i did and found it burdening my chest
so in spite of flawless and ideal
i’ve witnessed all my soul’s ordeal
half of me got ripped apart
the rest sits quietly near your heart
it only beats when you cannot
with time it’s parts will rust and rot
so to answer you once more
future’s pain within your core
breathe it in, the present day
breathe it out, the gift.. today


Winter Sky

the winter sky is vast and vain
turns to crystal all the pain
trace of fear blown to dust
cold white tears turn to crust

and your soul rests in the amber
frozen particles of anger
silent screams of sorrow days
joy forgotten in its maze

we’re all trapped inside a prison
our own making proves the treason
and the weakness comes with hurt
changes hearts from blood to dirt

hunger, thirst and lust and love
burn your body in the stove
of all human hopes and dreams
and desires.. fade it seems

around the edge of my disaster
one can barely shape the cluster
in every glimmer i see change
freedom is a sneaky cage
the more it gives, the more it steals
a spark of self at each its meals
eats away from inside out
none the sounds shall scream and shout

you don’t dread now your own eyes
just await the winter skies

foggy nights embrace the shadow
rape the victims of all hallow
and what’s pure remains unstained
for all eternity has rained
every drop becomes a tear
every whip no longer fear
every lightning shocks your being
open wide, alive means seeing

if you close and build a fortress
and then slaughter your own portress
you deserve to live in pain
at the end no longer sane

for the human death is near
when the winter sky will clear


The death of love is not a shout, but rather a mortifying silence.

If one day when you lie awoken

Cause of words, all left unspoken

If one day you seek the lonely

Comfort, bliss and darkness only

Ask youself why no one cares

What one talks about in tales

No one mentions but the other

He who did the hurting matter

He who broke the heart of crystal

Shattered glass by single pistol

He has only one dimension

His doing’s pain is all they mention

An antagonist is born

From the bed that lay so warm

But what can one answer truly

When is asked: you want me fully?

If their mind’s already made

All I say into lies fade

No more faith into my love

Which burns hotter than a stove

But to you it’s cold and restless

And to you I’m bad and careless

I have tried, my best and more

To make happy where you’re sore

But your wound is beyond me

Beyond all that I can ever be

By your side I’m not enough

I die inside with every laugh

Everytime you make me happy

I see the end where I feel crappy

I’m no longer sad for me alone

And it chills me to my bone

That you cry unwanted tears

And the path to bliss all but clears

I’m afraid you wish no more

To share the bed with such a bore

Through your anger and frustration

I get lost in meditation

Ask yourself what it is

That you want and that you miss

Find that not to be my body

Let it be, don’t make it bawdy

What we had was not defiance

Even if it’s end was silence


This one goes out to all of you that have sat down by the shore of a lake thinking that if only YOU were different maybe bad things would stop happening around you. Maybe with a magic wand you could rewrite your thoughts and opinions, transform them into what is needed in order for your feelings to be at ease.


I did.


For many long and sad years I wished upon a star that I, out of all people, was the only imperfect one that caused misery and disgust to all it touched. Blame me, accuse me, change me so I can fit you. It took the most enormous of efforts to change. Ironically, I had to change such that I could understand I did not need to change. Perfection cannot be reached and if the voices surrounding you can only see the negative, then you will also only see the negative. The only time I managed to be happy by being me is when I was alone, just with me. I could see how easily I could be made to smile (for those of you wondering any doggie wiggling its tail will do), I could see how easily I could attract total strangers into doing acts of kindness, I could see what an impact my words could have if only they were honest. It all fit into place. In this little sanctuary of being alone, which is to not be confirmed with being lonely. Lost old friends were as far as the touch of a button, but that touch never came. I had no need for any criticism, any judgement or any unwanted comments. All I had the need for was my mind. My beautiful twisted mind can create beauty through its rhymes, intense stories through its imagination, complex problem solving (cause let’s face it deep down I’m a geek) and it is capable of great love. Beyond all that can be seen by outsiders. I can love a tree and be so sad its leaves have fallen in the autumn that I will cry. Who else cries at the sight of a natural occurring phenomenon? To me that tree is alive and it is losing its best friends. He has to wait until spring to have them returned to him in blooms of flowers. I wish he could be with them forever. You cannot see love, you can only feel it. What gives anyone the right to judge me for not being able to show it the way they would want it to be shown?


And you see through this rhetoric I pulled myself up and held on to me. And then it happens, like it always does. One cannot simply live alone. We interact, blend and mingle. And then there are some that mingle with you a little too much and then you are no longer alone. You are vulnerable and kind and happy, and your soul is as pure as fresh snow. Ready to be stepped upon by dirty feet with no regard of what they have entered. And then it all comes crushing down: I ,once again, am the only imperfect one that causes misery and disgust to all it touches. I and I alone need to change to fit someone else’s idea of perfection. What about what I find to be perfect? Need not concern ourselves with such petty details, I am once again being tortured continuously and tormented with my flaws. So I naturally fall back on old habits and try to fit the expectations. And I, once again, fail to do so. What can one do when one falls into the pit every time there is a crack?


Avoid the cracks, avoid them all.

Go back to the beginning and start once more.

This time around I will be alone

“To hell with contact” as I throw away my phone


A different kind of love

Woken up, but deep asleep

To my right I feel you creep

Mistress, night, of darkness sire

All I have you can acquire

Make me sad and dream with me

Nightmares far beyond the sea

Cold embrace that keeps me warm

Come to me in devil’s form

Let me have an icy kiss

Make my living death to miss

Give me black dark clouds of terror

Of unfortune I’ll be carer

All that hurts here feels like home

Between ruins I freely roam

Under sheets of forts and spears

I let go of all my fears

And find one much like no other

When I see you, my heart will stutter

For I know not of your face

But your soul, your weary  trace

Touches mine and they both fall

The abyss of love will call

And together we sink further

Both our freedoms welcome murder

But our sadness knows no bounds

In inferno I hear our sounds

Two forgotten hearts appear

All is different and not clear

And until we meet again

I will await you in the rain

Standing here by your grave

Like a good obedient slave



picture source:

Eating disorder

If you could jump in a box

Be defended, like Fort Knox

Live for years safe and sound

But give up, never be found

In a dark cold blooded state

Ask for more, increase the rate

Prisoner of your own being

Thoughts of more your mind be fleeing

But the sadness fills the room

Scared of your intended doom

You cannot move you cannot sleep

You begin to eat and weep

Munching on the filthy junk

Till your box began to stunk

And u stay consume and wonder

‘Bout the meaning of the candor

Outside winds can’t catch you here

But you die in big slow fear

As your heart begins to stop

And your lungs are at their top

You still move your box to shop

Till your box becomes your coffin

And you still crave on that muffin




Feel The Wind Vibrate Attention
Salty Smell Of Plain Old Devastation
Fields Cry Sadness And Despair
Soaring Evidence Scattered In The Air
Long Forgotten And Ignored
Under Pressure Of The Lord
Never Free, Never The Belf’
Always He, Always The Self
Screams Of Horror Put To Sleep
Hope That Sinks From Up To Deep
In Their World Is Just The Violence
By The Powers Brought To Silence
Armies Find, Not Care And Break
All The Treasures Simply Take
All The Bombs At Heartbeat’s End
Mean Just Lives To Heaven Sent
All The Angles Look Upon Them
Behind Hatred There’s No Shame
They’re Regretless And Unholy
For My Faith I Thank God Solely
It Is Not The Lower Classes
That Kill People.. All The Mases
With One Blink They Are Forgotten
Oblivion Takes Over All That’s Rotten
Do Not Hate And Do Not Fear
For In Hell They Will All Tear.


So, I have exams week coming up.. pretty much now.. I have an exam in 2 days.. But like any other young adult with any self worth I procrastinate. Today a little more than yesterday and a little less than 2 days ago. To put it lightly, I woke up at 1 pm and have been doing Markov Chains (if you know what they are I am sorry for you and if you don’t then I am jealous). When I say “doing” I mean “dancing on sum 41, ordering make up online, looking up new books, chatting with friends, drinking way too much coke zero and somehow surfing my way through 12 lectures in one day”.

A while back I began to feel a little less like myself and more like a machine. Ever since 2 weeks ago or so this changed. I have taken back control over my feelings. Or lack thereof. All my life I’ve been in a constant battle with myself. Feel too much and you’re screwed, feel too little and you can’t be happy. Have I finally managed to find the right balance in a cafeteria studying Econometrics with my nr 1 study buddy (aka lazyass, aka latelord, aka gabootie .. don’t ask..) ? OR  is this all just me fooling myself (or the coke finally hitting my brain) ?

My point is, whatever you have to do in life, whether they are stressful situations or not, do them with a smile on your face. I hate Markov Chains, but out of all my exams this is the most fun I’ve had while studying ( I have legit spent 12 hours in a God damn McDonalds cause the library has no wi fi ). Whether I pass or fail, I will always remember this (and the God damn Monte Carlo method of risk assessment).

Hope you enjoy my rambling dear readers!


Desert fox

On the train to Neverland

Everywhere you look there’s sand

And like magic disappears

Raising questions and more fears

Castles made of scattered glass

Not one single spot of grass

All is dry and lost of life

Of disaster I am wife

As the desert shifts and turns

And within my soul it burns

I seek vengeance and destruction

Against humanity I take action

I’m no God, but should I be

All of you this world will flee

Dust will sharpen my revenge

Of betrayal you all stench

Only one can save it all

Young and helpless little soul

Give me back what once was mine

Or I’ll cut the desert’s spine

You’ll be  left with death and tears

To replace my long lost years

It was a fox, much like the others

Came from bloodlines of its fathers

Knew me well

And he could tell

As the dunes could hide the night

In its inner hidden light

So could I hide all my feel

Under covers of cold steel

Give him back or else I swear

What’s left of you I do not care

Drain your oceans I will try

Fill them up when you all cry.