This one goes out to all of you that have sat down by the shore of a lake thinking that if only YOU were different maybe bad things would stop happening around you. Maybe with a magic wand you could rewrite your thoughts and opinions, transform them into what is needed in order for your feelings to be at ease.
For many long and sad years I wished upon a star that I, out of all people, was the only imperfect one that caused misery and disgust to all it touched. Blame me, accuse me, change me so I can fit you. It took the most enormous of efforts to change. Ironically, I had to change such that I could understand I did not need to change. Perfection cannot be reached and if the voices surrounding you can only see the negative, then you will also only see the negative. The only time I managed to be happy by being me is when I was alone, just with me. I could see how easily I could be made to smile (for those of you wondering any doggie wiggling its tail will do), I could see how easily I could attract total strangers into doing acts of kindness, I could see what an impact my words could have if only they were honest. It all fit into place. In this little sanctuary of being alone, which is to not be confirmed with being lonely. Lost old friends were as far as the touch of a button, but that touch never came. I had no need for any criticism, any judgement or any unwanted comments. All I had the need for was my mind. My beautiful twisted mind can create beauty through its rhymes, intense stories through its imagination, complex problem solving (cause let’s face it deep down I’m a geek) and it is capable of great love. Beyond all that can be seen by outsiders. I can love a tree and be so sad its leaves have fallen in the autumn that I will cry. Who else cries at the sight of a natural occurring phenomenon? To me that tree is alive and it is losing its best friends. He has to wait until spring to have them returned to him in blooms of flowers. I wish he could be with them forever. You cannot see love, you can only feel it. What gives anyone the right to judge me for not being able to show it the way they would want it to be shown?
And you see through this rhetoric I pulled myself up and held on to me. And then it happens, like it always does. One cannot simply live alone. We interact, blend and mingle. And then there are some that mingle with you a little too much and then you are no longer alone. You are vulnerable and kind and happy, and your soul is as pure as fresh snow. Ready to be stepped upon by dirty feet with no regard of what they have entered. And then it all comes crushing down: I ,once again, am the only imperfect one that causes misery and disgust to all it touches. I and I alone need to change to fit someone else’s idea of perfection. What about what I find to be perfect? Need not concern ourselves with such petty details, I am once again being tortured continuously and tormented with my flaws. So I naturally fall back on old habits and try to fit the expectations. And I, once again, fail to do so. What can one do when one falls into the pit every time there is a crack?
Avoid the cracks, avoid them all.
Go back to the beginning and start once more.
This time around I will be alone
“To hell with contact” as I throw away my phone